Google Unveils Ambitious New Algorithm Update

In a press conference called by Matt Cutts on June 4, 2012 Google unveiled what he called “A bold new step” for the company’s search quality team.

The conference’s opening remarks came from Amit Singhal, Senior VP and Google Fellow. The obviously agitated Singhal stated flatly, “We’ve realized that the only way to deliver what people want is to have people actively reviewing the web”, nervously wringing his hands. “That’s why Google.. is incredibly excited to announce our new.. god, I can’t believe I let him talk me into this. Screw it. Here’s Matt to explain the new update.”

A beaming Matt Cutts then took to the microphone.

“Over the past few months, we’ve heard a lot of buzz about deteriorating search results. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve heard your cries! Once and for all, we’re really going to lick this spam thing!” the Head of the Webspam team then attempted to high-five Singhal, but was refused.

“Beginning tomorrow, I, Matt Cutts, will be manually reviewing every page of content on the web. We’re calling it.. the “Scissors” update!”

Upon delivering the final sentence, Matt tugged a cord next to the stage, unleashing a spray of neon confetti and a banner with the words “Cutt Out The Spam!” in comic sans. A small stereo behind the podium began to play Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”.

Sergey Brin was overhead mumbling, “Scissors? Damn it. We even let him name it!?”  before sliding his face into his hands.

After the chorus of Survivor’s hit single had ended, Matt announced he would like to answer a few questions from the media. When asked what factors would be evaluated in determining content quality, Matt explained that he was “pretty sure he knew great content when (he) saw it”.

“You know, like, sites that have a lot of how-to’s. Blog posts.. those are important too. Maybe there will be a cat bonus; I really like cats.”

To reporters noting that it would take the average person over 120,000 years to review the entire content of the web, Matt remarked, “I took a speed reading course last fall. I’m pretty sure I’ve got this, guys. I’m not exactly average.” before again attempting to high-five Amit, and again receiving no response.

Asked whether or not he was prepared to wade through the immense volumes of online adult content, Matt blushed and began giggling uncontrollably. After regaining his composure, the iconic Googler shoved his hands in his pockets, stared down firmly down at his loafers and replied,

“No further questions.”

Photo courtesy of revolutionary photographer Brad Linton.

Panda scissors source: Photo source: http://www.fiskarscraft.eu/Products/Kids/Kids-Scissors/Kids-Animal-Scissors-Panda