Introducing SEO Rewind’s Uber SEO Service

SEO Rewind is no longer just a news site for SEO related content. That’s right, as of today we are announcing our full line of SEO Services. We aim to compete with only the biggest and best marketing firms out there. We are so lucky we were able to occupy space in a parental figures sub-floor room where we can fulfill our mission statement:

When we aren’t busy with our clients we will hone our computer skills by fighting evil and surfing porn.

SEO Services:

Keyword Filtration Service
Don’t get caught up in the major keywords you want to rank your site for because it won’t happen. Main keywords are too hard even for Google itself. That’s why we offer our Keyword Filtration Service which looks for keyword phrases that are 11 to 13 words long. Think about it, why rank for ‘web design’ when you can rank for rich keywords like ‘web design geek in the city of Morgan Hill that takes paypal’ so you will get our full Keyword Filtration Service.

RAM Rotation Service
Did you know it’s important to rotate your RAM ever 20,000 hits? Most SEO’s (dumb asses) have no idea how important it is. Our Uber SEO Experts know that your RAM will start to show signs of wear spots and this could slow down the acceleration to the first page of Google.

Aromatherapy
We take aromatic scents and introduce them into your server environment. It is a well-known fact that any website on a web server that has aromatherapy will increase its rankings, plus it helps prevention of disease & viruses.

Electrical System Integration
Nothing too fancy here, we ensure your website is plugged into the wall.

Safety Inspections
There are many things that can cause harm to you and others. For one, not paying us on time can result in bodily harm. So as part of the safety inspection process we will highly recommend you pay us up front first. Secondly, some websites may play cutesy music or have really shitty designs. When people hear the music they might want to hurt you or people around them, not to mention some designs have known to cause blindness. You don’t want that on your conscience, so let us do our inspections to determine how crappy your site really is.

PPC Managment
We will manage your PHP, PNG & CSS files. These are important files to manage and if they are lost or stolen we will take care of it. We will keep copies of the files (under our bed) in the event they are lost. In the event they are stolen we will have our slutty sister’s boyfriend Vinny-The-Pouch handle it. “The Pouch” as the neighborhood kids call him, doesn’t file any DCMA paper work, rather he drives over to the address on the whois information with his baseball bat and then beats the fuck out of the offending party. We guarantee that the same website will never steal your content again.

If the above services don’t work then we move on to our advance SEO techniques. This next phase is almost guaranteed to get a reaction out of Google.

Advance SEO Techniques:

• We’ll copy the meta tags of your competitors and insert them into your source code
• We add invisible keywords embedded on your page
• Hidden links, the links will go to our spank sites (porn) that’s how we really make cashola
• We focus on PageRank because PageRank is everything
• New logo! Nothing increases your search engine ranking like a new logo
• We optimize your website to get you into Google Penguin!
• One word; blogcommentspam
• We change your domians whois start date to 1996 since older sites rank better
• We install a PHP 5 compatible flux capacitor

To take advantage of our new services get in contact with us today!